Time
Time.
That's what our lives are made up of.
Time.
Every single second of every day is used some way or another. Some people spend their time finding hope. Some people spend their time on social networking sites till' the day's end.
For me, I wish I could have used a lot of my time growing up on other things. Unfortunately, I can never go back. Today, I'm going to write about a form of time, which is the past. My past.
For me, I want to forget everything I was growing up. I'm ashamed of who I was. Who I am today is the fault of my past. It haunts me every single day I am alive. I remember the people I've met who have wronged me. I remember the people who have encouraged me. For some reason, I remember the scars more than the healers.
For me, my past has taught me downright nothing. My college classes are going pretty rough, because I can't obtain the material. I never learned how to actually take notes. My friendships are rough because I could never actually maintain one growing up. I don't know how to keep my friends. I have no experience in relationships because of the boy I was growing up. I was weird, and nobody wanted to be around me. Henceforth, why no one would even consider dating me back then. My past haunts me more than I know.
The way I live, move, and breathe up to this point, in my opinion, has been a waste. Not just of my time (tick, tock,) but of everyone around me's time.
My mom raised me the best she could (she really tried her best,) but in no way whatsoever was I ever prepared for a life outside of high school. I am just winging through life right now. With this, I am confused with what I do with school, friends, relationships, and everything else that fits into the description of the word "life".
Time.
I want to succeed. I want to do well. I want to be happy in my life. "Am I happy?" I ask myself, and "I have no idea" swirls around in my mind more than ice cream does into a cone. I just wish that I had more time. I also wish I could close off my entire childhood trauma, and never look back. I'd be willing to forget the people I've met up until college life, because up until that point, I was viewed as a child. Well, it's about time I grew up.
My childhood is my secret. It's something that I never like talking about, because nothing good came out of it. Some people might say, "Well, you learn from the experiences you encounter." and to that I would say, "Yes, I did. And that's the reason why I need to forget." I know how to get through, but I need to be the man that forgets.
Lost track of time? Oh, I wish.
Canaan, you have much more time to figure things out than you might think. And regardless of how you used time in the past, you have the ability to change the time spent in your future. You're mature beyond your years and you have a God who has blessed you with opportunities many will never see. And better yet: you don't take those for granted. I know your past made things rough for you. It's hard to get close to people, hard to lose people, hard to enjoy doing some things, hard to let go of the pain. It's just plain hard! And that's okay. But don't let the hard stuff distract you from the easy stuff. It's easier to love than to hate, but we trick ourselves into the opposite view. It's easier to smile than to frown, but sometimes we think we are "supposed" to be down and sad and so we take that route. Don't hold all of that pain inside and let it eat you up. You're an incredible person with a HUGE heart, and more love to share than anyone I've ever met. You have an uncanny ability to make people happy, no matter where you are...and I love that about you. I love you, Canaan. Come to me if you need anything.
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